The Magical Quest of Questyness
by Saltwater
1. wtf mate?

One day, Voldemort had plastic surgery and became a beautiful woman.

The end.

Then, he came across James!

James was ruffling his hair and catching a snitch he had illegally stolen, while rubbing his tummy out of hunger. Even though that is humanly impossible since he's only got two hands. Unless he was catching the snitch and ruffling his hair at the same time. Or he could have caught the snitch, and then put it in his pocket, and then ruffled his hair, and then patted his stomach, and then let the snitch go, and then caught it… or maybe he was a spider.

Yeah, that makes sense…

So anyway, while ruffling his hair and catching his tummy, Peter walked by. He saw what James was doing and screamed.

"Oh my god, James! NOOOOOOOOO!!" he tried to tackle him to the ground, but seeing as he was so pathetically week and stupid, succeeded only in hitting his head on James's knee and knocking himself out.

Then Sirius walked by and saw James ruffling his snitch and catching his hair. He, being the smart, handsome bloke he was, knew that if James continued as he was, the purple monkeys would re-gain power and the world would be thrown into chaos once more. But before he could do anything, Lionel Richie started singing.

Just then, Remus walked into the story.

"Hey guys! What are you doing in the girls bathroom?"

James scuttled towards Remus, clicking his pincers menacingly and looking up at him through six eyes, even though my sister insists that spiders only have two eyes.

"We're getting ready for the show, of course!" Sirius shouted and threw flowers into the air. He was about to start applying his makeup, when all of a sudden, someone bitch-slapped him.

Sirius whirled around with his fists in the air, but found that everyone in the room was innocent.

"Hmm, these warewolf instincts are getting a little out of hand." Remus said thoughtfully. "…Can we just go and roast some pork chops over the common room fire?" But everyone ignored him. They all ignored Peter as well, who was beginning to show signs of life as he lay on the cruddy bathroom floor.

Then someone chucked a brick at Sirius's head. He whirled around again (after regaining consciousness), but alas, the thrower of the brick was no longer there. But Sirius knew who it was this time. Oh yes, he knew.

Shaking his fist at the ceiling like an old man, he shouted "Damn you Lionel Richieeeeee…"

And then they all went on a quest to find the accursed singer.

* * *

Well ok, so that was the first chapter.

Review me, or I'll bite off your head.


	2. Enter Stage Right

Alrighty! Another pointless chapter that craps on about nothing!

* * *

_Violins quietly playing the 'Jaws' tune in the background_

"I say, old chap!" Sirius said as he delicately sipped some tea. "This tea is absolutely _splendid!" _

_The violin's get slightly louder and a small, dark flutter is seen behind Sirius's chair_

"Yes, Remus my man, this little tea party was a _spiffing_ idea!" James said as he awkwardly tried to pick up the cup with a thin, hairy hand that had no fingers.

_The violin music continues to get louder, and a growing shadow approaches, flittering madly_

"Oopsa-daisis! I seemed to have spilled tea all down my robes!" Peter said, as he stared spiffingly at his recently stained pink robes.

_The violin music gets even louder and is now playing in short, spastic (but scary) stroky things, as the dark flittering object nearly reaches Sirius_

"I _say, _Sirius! What's that behind your chair?" Remus said, pointing behind Sirius and biting into a raw chicken.

_Spastic music reaches its climax _

"Whatever." Sirius said, picking at his cuticles "Nothing frightens Sirius The Mighty!"

_A dark shaped flitters around in the shadows behind Sirius, and then moves slowly into the light_

_Bum bum…_

_Bum bum, bum bum…_

_Bum bum, bum bum, bum bum, bum bum_

_VOINK VOINK VOINK VOINK!!!_

"Oh, it's alright! It's only a butterfly!" Remus said, relaxing and taking a dainty bite out of a bloodied scone.

_A pretty little butterfly flutters rather pathetically over Sirius The Mighty's head_

Sirius's spine stiffened and he turned slowly in his seat, coming face to face with the Butterfly of _Doooom!_

An extremely high pitched and girly sounding scream issued forth from Sirius's mouth. Quick as a flash, he jumped onto Peter's head in an attempt to escape the insect, but seeing as butterfly's have wings, this achieved absolutely nothing. He jumped off (snapping Peter's neck in the process) and dashed away as fast as he could, the butterfly slowly making its way towards him.

With a wave of his wand, Remus restored Peter, and they all continued having their tea party.

Peter, who's neck was wobbling dangerously, pulled a Tub-o-Lard out of no-where and dumped it onto his scones, Remus shot a dear and ate it as it twitched, and James, who had abandoned trying to hold cutlery, had weaved a web and was currently catching flies in it.

Meanwhile, off in the background that consisted of a periwinkle blue sky (what the FUCK is a periwinkle anyway?), a field of daisies, and nothing much else, Sirius was still running as if the hounds of hell were chasing him. Or more precisely, the Butterfly of _Doooom!_

He ran from one side of the screen to the other, and hid in a bush. The butterfly followed, and landed on said bush. There was a brief moment in which Sirius didn't notice anything. The moment was shattered as he shouted, jumped up, and ran to the other side of the screen, hiding behind a well placed pole. The butterfly followed. Another bloodcurdling scream. He ran to the left of the screen and locked himself in a bomb shelter. The butterfly landed on the small hut, and it collapsed. He ran to the right and disappeared off screen. The butterfly fluttered peacefully across to the left, and flew off screen. A terrified yell later, Sirius ran back into view.

Enter stage right.  
He ran across, screaming like Sponge Bob Square Pants. His arms raised above his head and flapping wildly in the wind, butterfly in pursuit.  
Exit stage left.

Pause.  
Flutter, flutter.  
Pause.

Enter stage left.  
Running on all fours, like Rob Schneider did in 'The Animal', butterfly still in pursuit.  
Exit stage right.

Pause.  
Flutter.

Enter.  
Wearing the 'Ghostbuster' uniform and spraying something into the air.  
Exit.

Flutter.

Enter.  
Wearing caveman loincloth and chasing butterfly, swinging caveman club in the air.  
Exit.

Enter.  
Wearing high-heels and a skirt, shouting; "Help! Someone stole my purse!"  
Exit.

Enter.  
Runs across, meets butterfly halfway, screams, and runs back in the same direction.  
Exit.

Enter.  
Kangaroo jumps across, Sirius in its pouch.

Enter.  
Clutching his back and hobbling along, leaning on a walking stick.

Enter.  
Sirius playing tennis with a butterfly.

Enter.  
Scoobie-Doo and his gang run across.

Enter.  
Reading a book. Enter. Chucking Celine Dion CD's at butterfly. Enter. Being chased by Zombies. Enter. Slithering on the floor like a snake. Enter. Enter. _Enter. ENTER!_

_**EXPLODES!!!**_

Sirius lay on the ground in the middle of the screen, completely out of breath, and getting rather hungry. He didn't notice as the butterfly casually fluttered over towards him, completely not out of breath. Seeing as how I don't think butterflies _can_ get out of breath. The butterfly reached him, and slowly flittered down, landing on his nose.

Sirius had to go cross-eyed to see what had just landed on his face. And what he saw there scared him completely shitless. It was Lionel Richie's head on a butterfly.

Cackling madly, Butter Richie, or Lionel Richie-fly, flew off into the sunset, headed for some far away land to hide out.

* * *

Mwahahahahaa!

You can't tell me _that _wasn't funny!

Well, nothing much has happened really, but I _have_ decided that something resembling a plot _might _make an appearance in this thing.

Might not come in till much later on though.

Feel free to review! I don't mind flames if you really like. I think they're rather amusing actually. You don't have to review of course, but keep in mind that if you don't, I will hunt you down and shove you up your ass.


End file.
